The Defibrillator Toaster
My mom would be so annoyed… every morning I would run into the kitchen screaming “WE’RE LOSING THEM!!! BEEP BEEP BEEPBEEPBEEP!”
“DON’T YOU DIE ON ME, DAMNIT!!! NURSE, WE NEED 12 CC’S OF CREAM CHEESE, STAT!!!”
He’s bread, Jim.
Time of deliciousness: 7:15 A.M
If we don’t restart his heart , he’s toast!
“Daddy’s in a butter place now, kids.”
I WASN’T EVEN GOING TO REBLOG UNTIL I SAW THE SHIT TON OF PUNS
HES BREAD JIM
To pay my respects, Ill be sure to place a flour on his grave.
I need this.
Being good to each other is so important, guys.
Apparently it’s not socially acceptable for a man to invite another man out just for coffee or to go out for a meal, in case it’s perceived as a date. Like it’s fine if you wanna go to the pub and drink beer and have a chat but make it non-alcoholic and suddenly you’re not straight anymore? You can go to the cinema together but ONLY if it’s an action movie. You guys can’t even just go shopping with each other. Oh masculinity, so fragile, so strange.
I wear two watches because it’s always time to diddle.
I hate when guys are like “oh you’re not one of those girls that’s going to order a salad for dinner are you?” MAYBE I AM. MAYBE I FUCKING LIKE SALADS. HAVE YOU EVEN TASTED RASPBERRY VINAIGRETTE.
Here are some wintry animals reminding you to have a nice day and please take care of yourself because you are lovely!
this is literally the best argument ive ever read wow
ellie goulding needs to chill
i think about this often
wow stop you’re perfect